Date Night

I love my girls!  I love them more than I can describe.  But sometimes you have to have a break!  This weekend some friends of ours took the girls for an overnight stay at their house.  (I love our friends!)  My wife had gone to get her hair cut and wanted to do a date night.  The girls were super excited about getting to have a sleep over.  They both had to take their own suitcase, because sharing one just wasn't an option.

After they left we got ready and went and had wine and hors d'oeuvres at an upscale shopping area.  Then we went and had sushi.  We both love sushi, but since getting the girls we don't get to have it very often for obvious reasons.  It was so nice to just have a quiet, leisurely dinner.  It was nice to actually be able to have a conversation without having to tell the kids to keep their food on the table, or get your fork out of your hair.  After dinner we went home and watched a movie.  Guess what?  It wasn't a Disney movie!  We slept in.  I don't mean we got up at 7:30 instead of the usual 6:00.  We slept until 9:45!  We probably would have slept even later if the bird hadn't decided it was time to wake up.  We had a nice breakfast and Starbucks.  We had time to get ready for our religious services.  The house was quiet.  It was really nice... and then we started to miss the girls.

We met up with them at our religious services.  They were very excited to see us, but I think we were more excited to see them.  We got and gave, big hugs and kisses.  Then we started chasing them around to make sure they were behaving.  Things were back to normal.

To me all of this shows the importance "date nights."  You need that break every once in a while.  You need that quiet time as a couple to recharge your batteries.  To enjoy some adult conversation.  To enjoy just being together.  To be able to focus on each other for a little while.  But also to remind you why you love having kids in the first place!

Why? Why? Why?

If you have kids you have heard that question more times than you can count.  If you have one in the 2-6 year old range you hear it constantly!  Our oldest who is 4 and a half is the Queen of Why!  It can get very irritating for me, especially when she asks "why" about the same thing multiple times in a row.  My wife is much better about it.  I am trying to improve.  Let me layout a story for you which shows why it is better to keep answering those "whys" instead of shutting them down:

First let me give you some background.  We took the girls to see Tangled for the second time on Sunday afternoon.  In the movie, Rapunzel's hair is long and blonde and magic.  If it gets cut, it turns brown and is no longer magic.  At the end of the movie the hero cuts her hair off to keep the evil old lady from being able to use it.  She then ages so quickly she disappears as she falls from the tower. (Sorry if I spoiled the movie for you.)

Fast forward to the drive home.  I wish I had a recording of the conversation so I could get it just right, but I will do my best from memory.  The oldest starts out asking "why" did he cut her hair?  My wife explains it to her.  "Why" did the old lady die when he cut it?  "Why" did she turn to dust?  "Why" did he cut her hair? "Why" did it lose it's magic?  "Why" did the old lady die?  "Why" did her hair turn brown?  "Why" did he cut it?  "Why did it lose it's magic?  "Why" did her hair turn brown?

At this point I am getting annoyed.  She keeps asking the same questions and my wife keeps explaining it to her.  But my wife caught on to something I missed.  She kept asking questions, but more and more it kept coming back to her hair losing it's magic and turning brown from blonde.  Her hair is brown.  My wife and the youngest girl have blonde hair.  See where this is going?  She was concerned that her hair wasn't as good as theirs.  She didn't want to ask that straight out, so she kept asking about the movie.  My wife picked up on this much sooner than I did.  She kept calmly answering the "whys" and started stressing more and more that the movie was pretend and had nothing to do with real life.  She finally told her that in real life it didn't matter what color your hair is.  There is no such thing as magic hair and every color of hair is just as good as any other.  Finally the 4 year old was satisfied and stopped asking "why".

So the point of this post is to encourage all parents out there, myself especially, to not get irritated with the "whys".  Keep answering their questions, even if it is the same one over and over.  It may be leading somewhere that touches on who they are and how they feel about themselves.  If we shut them down before they get there we could miss an opportunity to build them up as a person.  Or even worse, we could reinforce a negative self perception.

Little Sponges

So I just returned from taking a week long intensive class in teaching English as a second language, or TESOL.  I took the class as a means to an end.  After taking the course I am eligible to do a distance learning course to get a degree in education.  I want to get the degree as a safety net in case the work situation takes a nose dive.  But after taking the class I am so happy I went for another reason.  I learned that we are far underestimating the ability of our kids!  And I don't mean just my wife and I.  I mean society in general.

The class showed a video by The Institutes for the Achievement of Human Potential.  In it they showed how amazingly capable a child's brain is of learning new information and concepts at an incredible rate of speed.  It mentioned how all kids are born geniuses and we de-genius them by not challenging them, especially in their early years.  If you have children, especially under 6, I highly recommend checking them out.  They use flash cards at a very fast rate of speed to teach kids "bits of knowledge".  It is really amazing how fast our little sponges can learn things and retain them.  Needless to say we will be challenging our girls much more now that we are informed.

We also learned some methods for making learning fun.  We learned how to use physical activities to get the brain to register information more quickly and accurately.  We learned methods to take better notes ourselves and how to get more out of meetings, talks or presentations we go to.  For more info on that, Google Brain Mapping.  We learned that learning a new language isn't as hard as it may seem.  In fact, you really only need to learn around 800 words in any given language to be basically fluent for everyday conversations.  And only 100 words to be 50% proficient.  That little bit of knowledge makes learning a new language much less daunting.

Most of the methods that were taught make learning fun and interesting.  It makes you do things like sing, dance, act, juggle, role play, and exercise all while learning.  If our schools taught kids using these methods, kids would look forward to school instead of dreading it.  We would have much smarter people graduating from school more prepared to face the world.  Now if I only were rich enough to send my girls to a private school that does use these methods.  Of better yet, had the time and ability to teach them myself.  Regardless, we will be including these activities in our family time from now on.

So look out!  I am going to let my girls stay the geniuses that they came to me as.  Too bad it is too late for me!

Weird Sentences

So last week I posted a list of funny things the kids have said.  I have also been keeping a list of weird sentences we find coming out of our mouths.  A few of these were submitted by friends, but most of these were ours.  Enjoy!


We don't throw fits on the potty.

Don't put the pencil sharpener on you sister's toe... I don't care if it fits!

No!  We don't eat gel.

I was inspired by Snow White.

Put the dishes back in the kitchen.  You can use them to cook, not as skateboards.

Yes you can make a salad with the paper towels.

You can't say "no" to someone who's not here.  They can't hear you.

No chewing on your sister's skunk.

Pick up your balls girls.

Everyone has nose hairs.

Were in a gazebo not a canoe.

Because we don't have a spaceship.

They're not balls, they're breasts.

Books are not vacuum cleaners.

Don't chase your sister with your hot dog in your mouth.

Is it cold?  That's because it's ice.

You can't eat your Cheerios if you're playing with your rock.

She Tinker-fied me.

You just hit mommy in the head with your fork!

The last straw was when you licked the soap.

But thats not your pocket that's your zipper.

Cucumbers can't walk.

Don't sit on the dirty diapers.  That's poopy!

Knives don't go on your head!

It's refried beans not free beans.

We don't lick people.  That's gross!

Shoes are not food!

What did he do?  He tried to bite her lamb?

You ate my owie?  How'd that taste?

Be careful!  Don't bite your fingers!

Put your skunk and monkey away.

No spitting in the car!

Just stop thinking about spit!

We don't gargle our hot chocolate!

No gargling in the car.

"But/butt" has more than one meaning.

She can't.  She has her hippos in her hands.

Panties don't go in your mouth.

Stop!  Don't ever lick an escalator.

Stop licking the furniture!

No, the gum under the table is not your surprise treat.

You can't pee in the yard.  We don't live in the country anymore.

Stop flicking my nipple son.

Stop rubbing your food on me.

Kid Quotes

I have been keeping track of some of the funny things our girls say.  I am hoping to have enough for a book someday.  In the mean time here is my current list.  Enjoy.  I call it:


Heard from the backseat

Kid 1: Why is the house made of stones?
Me: Because it makes it strong.
Kid 1: Houses can't eat vegetables, it doesn't have a mouth.

Who wants my spit?

If you fall we'll go to the hospital and they will put your head back on.

I'm cooking my worms.

How tall are you?  Little or short?

Wanna see my snot?  It's pretty gross.

Josh, are you awake?  Pick your nose!

Sharks eat spiders!

It's okay spatula girl.

Mommy's wearing me out.

Kid 1:This is giving me a headache
Mom: What is?
Kid 2: Me!

If you don't like green beans I will make you a pillow.

Don't eat the trees!

I spit on my face!

I have a belly on my rash.

I pointed out a beautiful sky: "Mommy painted it!"

It sounds like it's dark.

I swallowed my spit.

I tooted on mommy

I'm gonna eat my pizza all gone, give me your head


Kid1: Are you wearing your pajamas to the store?
Mom: Yes.
Kid 1: Are you pretending?

I have a headache.  It needs some water in there.

In the morning: The moon stayed up.  He went to a party last night.

Mom singing: "Row row row your boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily"
Kid 2: No I am Emily!

Kid 1: I want to do it louder
Kid 2: No!  It will give my ears a headache.

They put a tarp on the pool so no one will steal the water.

Kid 1: I don't want it.
Kid 2: Just put it in your pomegranate.


Got any of your own?

Answers

So if you read yesterday's post you will know I asked a bunch of questions about the future of my girls.  If you didn't, scroll down!  Today I think I have an answer to all those questions:  I don't know.  And you know what?  That is okay.  I could get in an accident today on the way home.  One of the girls could develop a serious illness.  One of us could lose our job tomorrow.  Lots of things could happen that would totally change the course of our future.  The thing is that we never really know what tomorrow may bring so there is really no point in worrying about it.  Now I am not saying we shouldn't plan for the future.  That would be a huge mistake.  But the thing I have come to realize is that worrying about what might happen is completely pointless.  All it will do is add stress to your life, and Lord knows we all have enough to stress about.

I have absolutely no control over their future health.  I cannot predict their likes and dislikes as they grow older.  I cannot know that they will listen to and follow everything I teach them.  So what do I do about it?  I do the best job I can at being a dad.  I teach them the things that are important.  I teach them how to listen, how to learn.  I teach them to think for themselves and not rely on any other person to define who they are.  I teach them that it doesn't matter what the kids in school think about you, even though it may feel like the most important thing in their life at the moment.  I teach them right from wrong.  I teach them how to study and find answers on their own.  I teach them not to let others walk all over them, but at the same time to look for ways to help others.  If I do the best job I can at doing those types of things, then I have to have faith that they will turn into excellent young women.  If they choose to take another path I am sure I will be heart broken, but at least I will know I tried my best.

Also, if I am constantly worried that the girls are going to get injured or sick, I wouldn't let them experience new things.  I feel parents today have gone over board in trying to protect their kids.  Everything these days is so anti-bacterial that the first time a kid comes into contact with a germ they get sick.  When I was a kid I got hurt.  I have the scars to prove it.  But guess what?  I am still here, and I am a better person for those scars.  We didn't even have car seats when I was a kid, but we survived it.  Now I am not saying to tell your kid to run with scissors.  Buckle them up, put helmets on them before they ride their bikes, keep them safe, but let them experience life!  If you don't fall down a few times you never learn how to get back up.

Every day has new little discoveries.  It has opportunities to make memories.  That email can wait a few hours.  The dishes will still be there once the kids are in bed.  Do you really need to update your Facebook status?  One of the biggest things I keep trying to work on is being present with my girls.  I only get a couple hours a day with them after I get home from work and before they go to bed.  So during that time they need all my attention.  So if you know me, don't call between 5:30 and 7:30 unless it is an emergency.  If you text me, I won't reply until later.  Because the only way that I can teach them all the things I listed earlier is by spending time with them.  So I guess the main message I am trying to convey here is: Don't worry about the future.  Plan for it.  Work hard to make it good.  But if you are constantly worrying about the future you might just miss the present.   

Questions

Will I be a good dad as the girls get older?
Will I be able to give them everything they need physically, spiritually, and emotionally?
Will they have any of the destructive traits of their biological parents?
Will they have any mental or emotional disorders?
Will they be good in school?
Will they grow up to be confident strong young women?
Will they feel the need for a man to help them define who they are?
Where will they go in life?
Will they follow the religious path I am laying out for them?
How can I impart to them all the things I feel they need to know in a way that will hit home and make a difference in their lives?
How can I teach them about the dangers of this world without scaring them?
How can I keep them from harm without keeping them under lock and key?
Will they feel the need to find their biological family?
What will they think if they do?
Will they have any serious health problems?
Will they grow up to be best friends or not get along?
Why is being a parent so amazing and so hard at the same time?

Just some things I think about.

The Power of Music

Since no one helped me out with any questions, and I am running out of material having to do with the adoption in particular, I figured I would write a post about the power of music.

The power of music is not a new concept by any stretch of the imagination.  It has probably been written on countless times, and from many different perspectives.  But I figured why not add mine.  Music has always been a big part of my life.  One of my biggest regrets is never having really learned to play an instrument.  I dabble with the trumpet, but I wouldn't begin to call myself a musician.  I plan on making sure that the girls learn an instrument when they are young so they will have it when they get older.  I have always had a huge interest in music though.  I used to have an addiction to buying new CDs.  I ended up with a massive collection of music from many different genres.  I am actually glad that I was like that when I was younger, because now I have a large, diverse collection on my iPod that I would not be able to afford now that I have a family.

The thing that I love about music is it's ability to bring out so many different moods and feelings.  You can catch a song on the radio, or when your music player is on shuffle, and a flood of memories come rushing back.  That in itself can be a two edged sword.  Sometimes those memories are welcome and other times they are anything but.  Sometimes a song will make me tear up, and others will make me smile no matter what.  Unfortunately some incredible songs are almost impossible for me to listen to anymore.  Some remind me of dead loved ones and others of some dark times in my life.  But more often than not it is a good memory.  The other day I had an old Bob Segar song pop-up on my player.  I immediately had memories of road trips when I was a kid.  My dad loved Bob Segar, and we would listen to 8-tracks while driving to California to go to Disneyland.  I ended up listening to the whole greatest hits album and soaking in the nostalgia.

Music can also be used to set or change a mood.  Whenever, I am feeling down and want a pick me up, I listen to Ska or Swing music.  I also go for Rodrigo y Gabriela at times.  It is almost impossible to be in a bad mood while listening to that kind of music.  Sometimes though you want to wallow in your misery.  Then I go for some Sigur Ros or The Smiths.  When I am stuck in traffic I like some Metallica or Tool.  When I feel like chilling out with a magazine and a Scotch, nothing fits the mood like some Charlie Mingus or Chet Baker.  No matter what you want there is music to fit the setting.  It enhances the feelings and helps to make the situation feel right.

One thing we have found with the girls is how big a role music can play in getting them to do things.  We seem to have a song for any activity.  To get them to brush there teeth, instead of just chew or suck on the tooth brush, we sing the Move It song. (Think Madagascar: "We like to move it, move it!")  We have songs for waking up.  I made up a song to get them to eat. ("Chomp, Chomp, Chew, Chew, This is how we eat our food.)  They both love music.  For a while we were playing them kid's music in the car.  After a while there was only so much of that we could take!  So I went through my music and picked out songs that had a catchy chorus, or were just fun, and made a CD.  The first couple listens they were not that into it.  Now they ask for specific songs.  The youngest loves "Perhaps" by Cake.  The oldest likes "Hot, Hot, Hot" by the Cure. They both love "Go Daddy-O" by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.  It has made for saner car rides.  I made a second CD with some Stevie Wonder, No Doubt, and others on it, that we are breaking in on them.

So it is pretty obvious that music plays a huge part in our lives.  How about yours?

Why Am I Writing This?

This will be a short post.  I just wanted to say that though I am writing this mostly for my own mental health, I also felt that our friends would like to know a little more about how we got here.  It is also my hope that it may be of aid to any that might be thinking about adoption.  That being said, if you know of anyone that has thought about adoption, please forward them the link to this.  Or you could just post it to your Facebook or Twitter account.  I would love it if our story could help or inspire someone else to take the plunge!

I also would like to know if you have any questions.  If you do, please post them in the comments section of this post.  Obviously I may keep some answers pretty vague, but I will try my best to answer them publicly.  If you need more in depth answers I can always email them too you.

Thanks for reading along!  I will try and post a more informative post tomorrow.

Is it Different?

Is life as an adoptive parent different than that of a biological parent?  That is a good question.  Since I have never been a biological parent I can't answer that question with a definitive answer.  My feeling on the matter though is yes and no.  Vague right?  Let me explain.

I think that it would be impossible to love my daughters any more if they were natural born.  I feel the same overwhelming need to protect them, nurture them and love them that a natural parent would toward their child.  I actually sometimes forget that we haven't always had them.  When we are in a relaxed setting and playing it seems very natural.  When they act up, I feel the same to need to discipline them so that they can learn to be well adjusted adults.  I feel the same need to give them spiritual, educational, and behavioral guidance that a natural parent would.  I want the very best for my kids just like anyone else.  I also feel we have a very normal parent/child relationship.  The girls are very affectionate, but will also throw a tantrum from time to time.  They don't really know the situation to be any different than normal, so they act like any other kid.

However, there are some differences.  Most of these have come from the method we used, though there are definitely things that a parent who adopts even a new born would tell you are different than having a natural born child.  What if your child were a different race?  What if people find out they were adopted and ask stupid questions? (see this blog for a good discussion on that topic: Blog )  There are definitely some questions asked by the kids that make being a parent of an adoptive child different than that of a natural born child.  We have already faced some of those with our oldest.  At school they were talking about babies coming from their mommies tummies.  She asked my wife if she came from her tummy.  We explained to her that there are many types of mommies and that she had 2 kinds of mommies.  A biological mommy and an everyday mommy.  We explained that her biological mommy was unable to take care of anyone, not even herself, so she made sure that her daughters were taken care of by a mommy who could.  She was intrigued by the idea for a couple days, and asked the same questions a few times to get everything straight in her head, and then moved on.  The oldest does have recollection of the biological family.  She rarely talks about them at all, but from time to time will bring up something they said, or mention that one of her toys came from them.  We are prepared for some even tougher questions in the future.

I think the biggest difference for us though was the stress of getting to this point.  Going through the process was very demanding and difficult.  It is a stress I don't think you can even come close to understanding unless you have been there.  As I said at the outset, we love these girls as much as any parent loves their child.  And to go through months on end having even the smallest question of someone being able to come and take them away without ever getting to see them again, was more stress than I can even begin to describe.  Even though we knew that the possibility was extremely remote, the doubt is always there.  So when that judge signed that paper making it official it was the biggest sense of relief I have ever felt.

So, is it different?  Yes and no.

The Legal System

What can I say about the legal system?  Oh yeah, it sucks!  Obviously this world is screwed up, just for the fact that there has to be a system in place to protect kids.  However, the sad reality is that the system is set up so that the first priority is that the state doesn't get sued, and the second priority is helping the kids.  Lawmakers have tied the hands of CPS workers so much that it makes them very hard for them to do their job.  There continues to be new legislation brought up to make it more and more difficult to terminate parental rights.  Recently in our state they considered making the waiting period after termination of parental rights 120 days from the current 90.  All this would really accomplish is keeping kids in the system longer and keep families from being able to adopt sooner.  I guess from my perspective it is pretty hard to have sympathy for a parent that is neglecting, or even worse, abusing their children.  But the law protects them quite a bit.  Some of it is understandable.  There have to be some safety valves in place in case of false accusations, mistaken identities, or a parent who had a really bad day and has since gotten their act straight.  The problem is that those kind of cases are definitely the minority.  Through our year and half plus time of dealing with the system, we were in court at least every 3 months.  Each time there were multiple cases on the docket that we would listen to while waiting for ours to be called.  Not once did I see a parent who was truly doing everything they could to get their children back.  There were some who were making a half-hearted attempt while claiming to love their kids.  There were others doing nothing other than claiming to love them.  Most would skip drug tests, court ordered classes, and one even shaved his head to avoid a hair sample being taken for a drug test. If you truly loved your kids wouldn't you do everything you possibly could to get clean or get your act together to get them back?

Our case was a little different than most, in that we had very little effort being put forth by the actual parents, but it was other relatives that were trying to get custody.  The problem for them was they were completely unfit as well.  Without going into too much detail, they put on a pretty good front for a while, and even had some of those involved in the decision making process fooled for a bit.  But you can only hide your true self for so long, and eventually they exposed themselves.  We came to a point after a little over a year where we thought it was all over, to only have another legal snafu come up that delayed us another 5 months.  The infuriating thing was that the little "snafu" should never have been allowed in the first place.  Fortunately for us the end result was total joy!  Not all Foster/Adopt parents are so lucky.

My final statement on going through this system to adopt is this: There is probably no harder route to take to have kids, but the rewards are greater that anything I can imagine.  To know that we have taken 2 beautiful little lives and given them opportunities they would never have had otherwise, is almost overwhelming.  I would not recommend this route to everyone.  But, if you have the desire, and feel you have what it takes to get through the emotional roller coaster, I encourage you to prayerfully consider it.

Our Lives Changed Forever

So after the initial shock of getting kids in our home so quickly the gravity of the situation started to sink in.  We had initially asked for kids classified as Foster to Adopt Legal Risk.

Let me take a second to explain the different classifications.
Foster Only - This category is pretty self explanatory.  Kids in this classification are very likely to go back to their parents or to a different relative.
Foster to Adopt - These are kids that could go either way.  The family may get it together or the rights might be terminated and the children become adoptable.
Foster to Adopt Legal Risk - These kids have come from a situation where CPS is fairly confident that the rights will eventually be terminated.
Adopt Only - This also is pretty self explanatory in that these kids are adoptable already.

The reason we had asked for the FALR category was we knew we would have a hard time giving up the kids if they went back to the family, but it is virtually impossible to find very young children in the Adopt Only category. So we were willing to take the risk.  The girls came to us in the Foster to Adopt category.  We were told they were pretty sure they would be moved to FALR pretty quickly.  We went into this having decided that we would treat the girls as if they were never leaving no matter what the legal status.  We felt that if we held back part of our hearts from them that they would sense it and not feel safe and secure.  We figured we would deal with the heartache and turmoil that could come from losing them after the fact instead of trying to hold back.  This meant we got attached very quickly.  If you have ever met our girls you would know why.

The first few days are kind of a blur.  My wife's work knew we were planning this and that we might not have much notice.  So they were very accommodating about letting her take a 4 week leave of absence.  I work for my brother and my work was pretty flexible at the time, so I was able to take the first few days off, and then work from home a few days.  The girls had obviously had no structure.  The oldest was 2.5 and the baby was 5 months old.  The oldest had severe speech delay.  She was hard to understand and didn't have much of a vocabulary.  The baby was not able to sit up on her own yet, and had a bald spot on the back of her head from being left in a car seat or laid on her back for long periods.  We had them evaluated by Easter Seals.  They immediately started speech therapy for the oldest and want the youngest to be seen by a mobility specialist.  We also started working with them.  Within 2 days the baby was able to sit up on her own.  By the time the specialist came she was ahead of schedule on many aspects of her mobility.  The oldest made quick progress as well.  In 4 months when she aged out of Easter Seals.  We had her re-evaluated by the local school district and she didn't qualify because her speech was within the bounds of normal by that time.  It just showed that these girls had nothing wrong with them other than they were largely ignored at their previous home.  Just to show how smart they are, they both are ahead of almost all their classmates at their pre-school. Amazing what a little attention and work will do!

Back to the first few days.  We took a lot of walks.  The girls would seem to get a little agitated or unruly from time to time.  So we would go for a walk.  I feel these were very big in the development of our relationships.  While walking they didn't have to look at as.  It took the oldest a long time to feel comfortable looking us in the eye.  She would talk to us much more while on the walks than other times.  It also had a great calming effect on them.  I highly recommend walks for anyone having trouble with their kids, biological or adopted.

We learned in our classes to not expose them to too much too quickly.  They told us to just stay home with them and bond.  So we did that for the most part.  When going to religious services we would show up just before it started and sit in a back room away from the crowd.  We also left pretty quickly afterward.  We have an incredible network of family and friends that came by the house to meet them, and get to know them.  So they grew comfortable very quickly within our circle of friends.  We had a few blow ups at restaurants though in that first month.  The oldest was not used to eating anything but fast food and didn't want to try new things.  We had to be ready to get our food to go, and take it home to get through a few meals.  After persistent and patient work she eventually came around.  Though she is still not as an adventurous eater as her sister.

Next up, the legal system...

How it All Started

Back when my wife and I were dating we discussed the topic of kids.  I felt very firmly that this world is too screwed up to bring anymore kids into it when there were so many already here that needed a home.  She agreed, and we decided that if we ever got to the point that we wanted kids, that adoption was the route we would take.  After a few years of marriage that bell started ringing for my wife.  At first I went along with it feeling that I owed it to her if she really wanted kids.  But after starting the process and making that decision, I quickly got excited about it myself.  Initially I did a lot of research about private adoption.  The main issue for us there was the cost.  It is at the very least a $20,000 method to do a domestic adoption, (unless you happen to know someone wanting to give up their child, and can avoid the agencies) and ranges from slightly less to substantially more for international adoptions.  We didn't have that kind of money sitting around.  We knew we could afford the kids once they were here, but that fee kept slapping us in the face.  Then one day one of my wife's coworkers told her about her friend who adopted through the state.  It was basically free.  So we immediately started looking into it.  We went to an introductory meeting put on by CPS (Child Protective Services).  There we learned you had to go through an approval process that is done through an outside agency. We made a few calls and settled on the one that seemed most supportive.  We are SO happy we landed where we did! (Later in the process we learned they were the favored agency by many in CPS)  We started our classes and the approval process.

I would like to stop for a minute here and talk a bit about the classes.  These classes should be taken by all adults, whether planning to have biological children, adopt, or are unsure.  They were so informative!  They go into the workings of the brain in children, and how to work with them to teach them and discipline them without resorting to corporal punishment.  Now, I am not saying I am against spanking in all cases.  However, we had our hands tied in that regard for the whole time we had the girls, until the adoption was final.  I am glad we did, because it forced us to think more, and slow down when handling situations where discipline was needed.  There were definitely times when it was very hard not to give them a spanking.  When a child is throwing a tantrum on the floor and telling you "No!" it pushes your patience.  However, using the methods we were taught worked, they just took more time.  Now that spanking is available to us I have yet to use it.  The other methods work quickly 99.9% of the time.  That is not to say that they will never get a spanking.  But if they do, they will know it is about something serious.

The other thing the classes teach you is to examine yourself and your reasons for wanting kids.  They straight up tell you that if you are doing this because you need to hear "I love you daddy" from a child, to go have your own.  The children that come through the system have gone through some heinous things or else they wouldn't be in the system.  Because of that, many of them have some pretty serious emotional and developmental issues.  We were very lucky to get the girls we did, but I will go into that later.  All in all, the classes were a huge help through the whole process and I don't think we could have done it without them.

Initially we had planned to ask for one child as young as possible. (getting a baby through CPS is almost impossible.)  But as we were going through the classes we both realized that we didn't want an only child.  We also thought it made much more sense to get siblings than to go through the process twice.  There are also some pretty significant financial benefits from the state for adopting siblings.  So we decided to ask for an infant and their older sibling 4 years old or younger.  As we went further through the process we noticed that we were both drawn toward things for girls.  Since we had the ability to ask for anything we wanted we decided to make that request specific to girls. (They had to share a room so we wanted 2 of the same sex)  We knew that putting more restrictions on what we would accept could make for a long wait, but we felt that what we were asking for was the best fit for us, so we were okay with that. We completed the classes, background checks, and the homestudy.  The only thing left was to sign our contracts with the agency.  We had told them we wanted to go on the waiting list on a specific date.  We were paying off a couple debts and thought that would be a good time to go forward.  We were expecting a long wait since we had requested such a specific situation.  Two weeks before the date we had told them, we got a call at 4:30 in the afternoon.  They had an emergency placement that was exactly what we were looking for.  Would we be willing?  Uh, YES!  They were at our house at 6:00.  So we went from 0 to 2 in an hour and a half!  To be continued...

My girls Adopted Me

As of this last Wednesday I officially became an adoptive father.  It was a long and difficult process.  It came with many heartaches and sleepless nights.  But I could not be happier.  I am not sure it has even completely sunk in yet.  I am going to leave a lot of the personal information vague.  The biological family lives here in the same city and I have no desire for them to find us.

I have entitled this blog "Adopted Dad" because the more I think about it the more I feel that my girls adopted me, more than the other way around.  Yes, I am responsible for their welfare and upbringing.  Yes I have adopted them into my heart just as if they were my biological children.  But, they run to hug me when I get home and call me daddy.  They give me the biggest smiles, and hug me tighter than I would have thought possible with their little arms.  They know no difference between me as their adoptive father or as just daddy.  They adopted me to be their daddy.

I am by no means a writer.  I took a couple creative writing courses in college and have made a few starts at books that never got finished, but an accomplished writer I am not.  I just feel that I need an outlet to describe the journey that my wife and I went through to get to last Wednesday.  I also thought it might be fun to share the joys and sorrows of parenthood. Those feelings are the same whether you brought your kids home from the hospital or the courtroom.